Facts About Infertility- Guest Post

My dear friend from my internet support group wrote an amazing post on her blog (http://invisiblefinishline.blogspot.com) with some great information about infertility and she allowed me to post it below. Her blog is amazing and I encourage you to look through it.

National Infertility Awareness Week 2013 is only 6 days away (edited: Posted on Bonnie's blog on Day 6 of NIAW)! Below are status messages I've put together for Facebook, and you're welcome to borrow them. I plan to do one or 2 a day, and also plan to have spontaneous messages if a conversation is sparked in the comments or if someone asked something specific either publicly or privately. Last year, on the last day, I offered to answer any questions any one had. The only rules: be respectful and polite, and I'm free to refrain from answering something publicly

• Thursday, April 18^th: Sunday marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. This is an issue that is obviously close to my heart, but I also respect that it can be an uncomfortable topic for people. I understand if you choose to hide my feed this week, but I will assure you that you’ll learn something valuable. We all know someone dealing with infertility, and I hope to give facts, insight, and tips in hopes of helping my friends and family support others who’ve lost a piece of themselves to IF.
• Happy NIAW 2013! This is an important time for us as a community to raise awareness and allow our voices to be heard. Please feel welcome to comment and ask questions at any time. I’m fortunate to be part of an online community of amazing women with a huge variety of experiences, and they’re invited to jump in at any time with anything they feel willing to share. I only ask that everyone please keep conversations polite and respectful.
• Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 American couples – roughly 12% of our population. Infertility is defined by the inability to conceive within 1 year of trying if the female partner is under 35. Over the age of 35, infertility can be considered after 6 months. Statistically, infertility is caused by a female issue in 30% of cases, a male issue in 30%, a combined issue in about 20% and the remainder of cases are unexplained.
• Testing to diagnose the cause of infertility involves – at the very least – blood work at two different and specific parts of the female partner’s cycle, a sonogram of the fallopian tubes, and a sperm analysis for the male partner.  The testing can be ordered by an OB/gyn, but the proper specialist to interpret the results, form the plan of action, and treat infertility (including through the prescription of Clomid) is a reproductive endocrinologist. Often in cases where male factor infertility is a concern, a urologist will be consulted. Consult with your OB/gyn or insurance company for providers in your area.
• Despite the fact that infertility is a disease of the reproductive system, very few patients have coverage through their insurance companies. Only 15 states mandate varying degrees of coverage, and employers are often able to exempt themselves through loopholes. This leaves most couples paying out of pocket for their testing and care.
• The cost of infertility depends on the treatment plan. Most infertility treatments involve hormones and/or other drugs for ovarian stimulation. These are often not covered by insurance and can cost anywhere from a couple hundred to a few thousand dollars per cycle. Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI), which is a relatively non-invasive treatment, carries an average cost of $865, and generally gives only a 10-15% chance at success. In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF), which is an invasive surgical procedure involving anesthesia for the female partner, costs an average of over $12,000 for a single cycle, and this may not include the thousands of dollars in medications needed. Donor sperm, donor eggs, and a manual fertilization procedure called ICSI serve only to increase these costs, making infertility treatment a financial hardship and sacrifice for most couples. Surrogacy is reported to cost a couple as much at $100,000.
• There are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to infertility treatment. First, the goal is to create one baby, not multiples.  Stories like those of Octomom and Kate Gosselin are examples of irresponsible medicine and the ignoring of specialist advice. While certain procedures certainly raise the likelihood of multiples, this risk is carefully weighed against the goal to succeed with achieving pregnancy while not compromising the health of the mother or her potential fetus(es). Secondly, treatments are not always successful, unfortunately, and even with multiple rounds of IVF (which generally only comes with about a 40-50% success rate, at best), sometimes a pregnancy is never achieved.
• “Just adopt” and “adopt and you’ll get pregnant” are things that couples who struggle with infertility hear often from friends and family, and can be very hurtful. Adoption is not an easy road, and it can cost twice as much as a single cycle of IVF, depending on the type of adoption chosen. While it offers an opportunity to parent, it doesn’t cure infertility or address the associated feelings of inadequacy and loss of biological lineage. Everyone knows someone who knows someone who’s adopted and then found themselves blessed with a spontaneous pregnancy, but that doesn’t happen for the majority of infertile adoptive parents, and it certainly shouldn’t be a driving reason to pursue adoption. It is a very personal decision, and should be chosen as a positive end to a couple’s infertility and not viewed as a second-rate option.
• Choosing to live childfree is another valid positive choice as resolution to a couple’s infertility. Choosing childfree after IF means walking away from treatments and adoption, and embracing life with your partner as a family of two. While a couple is no longer going through the emotional roller coaster of treatment or the adoption process, there are still great losses, and they will be experienced throughout the couple’s lifetime. For insight on a couple’s personal experience choosing childfree after infertility, I highly recommend Sweet Grapes by Jean and Michael Carter as a great resource.
• Infertility is something that is often not understood by a couple’s family and friends. Even though 12% of the population is directly affected, it’s often not talked about, and so friends and family may say things that are minimizing, hurtful , or offensive to the couple without realizing it. RESOLVE offers many resources, including “Infertility Etiquette” and Q&A for friends and family. http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/

Our Infertility Journey- National Infertility Awareness Week 2013

I shared this painful part of mine and Cody's journey last year for National Infertility Awareness Week, and I felt I was able to help a few people feel less alone, so I wanted to repost again for this year's NIAW.  Feel free to comment below or send me a private message via Facebook.

Cody and I got married in September of 2009. A few months later (January of 2010) we decided that we were ready to start trying to expand our family. I wasn't naive enough to think that we would get pregnant right away, but after a while I was starting to get impatient. I have always had a history of crazy cycles, and I was going through another weird spurt, so I decided in October to go see my OBGYN to figure out what was going on. She did a series of tests that led to a diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Basically what that means is that I have many cysts on my ovaries at all times (last time I was checked there were over 20 on each ovary). The way my body responds to PCOS is by not ovulating (releasing an egg), which makes a bit of a road block in trying to conceive. 

I tried for about 7 months to try to get the PCOS under control by taking meds and tweaking my diet a little. I knew that it is very common for it to take even a perfectly healthy couple 12 months to concieve, so I wasn't too worried. In June of 2011 I finally (after 1 yr and 5 months of trying to have a baby) decided to start the testing process to see if there was anything else going on. Through a series of tests, my OBGYN decided that it would be best to refer me to a Reproductive Endocinologist/RE (also known as a fertility specialist). We met with the RE that same month, and discovered that along with PCOS, I also had a polyp that was blocking my right fallopian tube and a uterine septum. Those two things create a not so lovely environment for a baby to live in (which could be the reason for a very early miscarriage that we had before we were trying to get pregnant), so we scheduled surgery for the following month.  After the surgery we had to wait about 2 months before being allowed to try again so that I could recover fully. We also found out shortly after that that I have a genetic blood condition called MTHFR. It is a condition that causes my blood to clot easily, which when trying to conceive a baby causes the tiny little capillaries to clot of before being fully formed, which cuts off the blood supply to the baby and causes miscarriage. Thankfully this condition is easily treated with pills, but it was still another speed bump that we weren't aware we were going to have to deal with.

We tried our first medicated IUI (intrauterine insemination) cycle in September of 2011.  My body didn't respond well enough to the meds to go forward with the cycle, so we ended up cancelling the IUI. We were able to do our first actual IUI the following month, after adding weeks of injections to the treatment. We found out at the end of October that the treatment didn't work, and I was devastated. We decided to wait a few months before starting another cycle, both so I could have a mental break, and so we could pay off the previous cycle so that we wouldn't just be going into debt.

We tried our 2nd IUI this in March of 2012 and found out 2 weeks later that that cycle did not work as well. We decided as a couple that we aren't going to pursue any more treatment options after a year of multiple tests, diagnoses, surgery, ultrasounds, meds, injections and treatments.  

Even before Cody and I were aware that we were going to have any issues trying to conceive we had talked about eventually adopting because there are so many children in need of homes and loving parents, so we spent the last year getting certified to be foster parents and we will hopefully be growing our family through that process.

I hope as you are reading this that if you are struggling with trying to conceive that you would find someone to talk to, or even just find comfort knowing that you are not alone in this journey.

We are certified!... oh, and we became parents this week!

Well, it's official-- we are officially certified foster parents!!  Need proof?   Well, our world was turned upside down this week with our very first foster placement.

This week has been both the best and worst week of my life. Cody and I were told last Friday that we were officially certified with the state. Saturday morning we received our first call. That one didn't end up working because a family member said they were available. Sunday afternoon we got another call for an almost 4 year old child, which was older than what Cody and I are willing to take right now, so we had to say no. We thought it was crazy that we had had two calls within a few days of being certified.

Around 9:30 Sunday night we got another call saying that there was a 12 week old baby girl available (who I will be reffing to as Ladybug). We told our worker that we would love to take her in. She arrived at our front door around 1:30 in the morning Sunday night/Monday morning.  I may be a little partial, but she seriously is one one the prettiest babies I've ever seen, and I've been around a ton of them with my mom running a daycare most of my life.

littlest fingers!

The first night was pretty hard with her arriving late and her sleep being off.  She would only sleep about 30-45 minutes at a time, which made for one tired mommy the rest of the day Monday. Ladybug and I spent some quality time together that day trying to figure out each other and how our routine was going to be. Napping was a hit and miss, but snuggle time was amazing.

That evening our amazing friend Nathalie came over to help me figure out swaddling. I had worked at it all day and just could not get it to where her arms wouldn't escape.  Because of her great technique Ladybug was able to get some very good sleep. She was sleeping between 3-5 hour stretches while she was swaddled.

tiny toes!

Ladybug is a very happy baby and only cries a little when she is hungry or needs a diaper change. She is a very, very amazing child, and has made a huge impact on us! She is what made Cody and I become real parents for the first time in our lives.

When there is an emergency placement like Ladybug was the state requires a placement hearing within a few days of it. Her hearing was on Wednesday. We got the call from the county social worker late that afternoon letting us know that her grandparents had gone to the hearing and were requesting that Ladybug be placed with them. I completely broke down sobbing in the office at work. I rushed home as quickly as I could (longest commute home from work ever!) so that I could spend as much time as possible with the sweet little girl. I basically spent from 4pm Wednesday afternoon to 10:00pm Thursday night sobbing off and on.

Driving Ladybug to the child services office yesterday and handing her over to the social worker is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my entire life. I know that we only had met her not even 4 days prior, but we love her so much! I did not want to let her go, but I knew that I had to. She was not ours to keep, and God has some sort of plan for both her and Cody and I.  I'm trying very hard to find comfort in that, but it is very hard for me to do.

I am dealing with it better today, and Cody and I have put our names back on the open list to wait for another placement starting this upcoming Monday. I know that we will get the opportunity to provide a safe, loving home to another child and that gives me something to look forward to.

What is Foster Care?-- Q&A time!

image acquired from http://jonesdesigncompany.com

It's come to my attention recently after some questions that have been thrown my way that I haven't spent much time explaining what foster care is to those around me, so I want to take a moment and hopefully give everyone a better understanding as to what Cody and I have gotten ourselves into. 


1. Are foster care and adoption the same thing?

One of the most eye opening questions to me that I've had so far came from my dad. This is when I really realized that I should talk about this more.  He had asked me how the foster care stuff was going and I caught him up. He then asked me how the adoption stuff was going.  That completely threw me off until I realized that he thought that they were mutually exclusive. He knows we are doing foster care and that we want to adopt, but he thought that they just existed exclusively as their own things. While that is mostly true (to adopt you don't have to do foster care, and not everyone who does foster care wants to adopt) that is not the route that we are taking.

We are not traveling two separate paths. We will be foster parents, and when the opportunity arises we are hoping to adopt out of the foster care system.

2. What is foster care?

Foster care is when state approved parents take on the responsibility of caring for a child who has been court appointed to be removed from their home because in that moment their family cannot effectively take care of their child. Foster care is meant to be a temporary solution.

3. How does foster care work?

As stated above, foster care is meant to be a temporary solution. The whole point of foster care is to reunify the child with their parents. Shortly after the child is removed from their home, their parents are given a plan from the court on how to work towards reunification.  Many times that includes regular visits between the birth parents and their child/ren. If the parents work their plan and are able to correct the issues that caused the removal of the children the children will most likely be returned to their home in a much healthier environment than when they left. More than 90% of cases end with reunification of child and birth parent. In the case where the parents do not follow their plan, the court does have the ability to terminate parental rights (TPR).

4. What happens if parental rights are terminated?

If parental rights are terminated, a few things may happen. The child will be legally available for adoption at that point, and as the child's foster parents we can petition to be the adoptive parents. The child's extended family have the right to petition for custody, as well. The state tries its hardest to not have to move a child between too many homes, so hopefully if we come upon this situation that will work in our favor.

5. What happens if the child is reunified with their parents?

This will be one of the hardest things I am expecting to ever go through in my life. When the child is reunified with their parents we will no longer legally be their foster parents. Our home will be available for another placement when we feel like we are ready for it again.

6. You seem to be so busy all the time. What is there that could possibly be taking up all this time?

Foster parents are required to take the child to many appointments. Within the first two weeks the child has to have a doctors appt and a dental appointment. They also may have weekly/biweekly visits with their parents which we are required to transport them to. There is a possibility that they have therapy, physical therapy or occupational therapy appointments that they are required to go to. And if those things don't take up enough time, if the child that is placed with us came from Jefferson County (or somewhere else across town) some of those visits could be close to an hour drive away, each way. Besides the visits/appointments that we will need to take them to, we also get our own set of visits form a whole team of people, and they aren't necessarily on the same days, either. Please be patient with us if it seems like we aren't as available as we currently are as childless adults.

7. While the child lives with you are you legally their parent?

The short answer to this is no. We have absolutely no legal claim over any foster child that lives with us. The state is their official legal guardian. That means that in some ways we cannot treat them like a biological child. Ie: We can't sign medical papers or make serious medical decisions for them. Even to the point that we need to have a signed paper from a doctor stating that we are allowed to give the child even the simplest of medical treatments such as children's tylenol or ear drops. We also cannot sign release forms for things like Monkey Bizness, etc.

8. Can you travel with the child?

A question I'm sure we will get once we are placed is "when are you going to come visit us with that sweet baby?" seeing that the majority of Cody's family live out of state. In some instances, yes we are allowed to travel with the child. This requires us to get written permission from the state, and possibly even approval from their parents, at least 30 days before the trip.

9. Can I baby sit him/her?

There are many rules to answer this question. If I were to need someone to watch our foster child for let's say 2-3 hours while I have an appt then yes, I could leave them with someone who I felt was responsible enough to take care of a baby and it would be my choice.  If I were to need someone to watch the child for over 6 hrs or on a regular basis for less than 6 hrs then they would have to get state approval, which would deem them "respite providers". In order to become a respite provider you have to go through training, be first aid/cpr certified, and have a state and federal background check done. In the event that Cody and I had to go out of state and could not get state approval to take the child with us, a respite provider would be allowed to take the child for the weekend/week/etc that we would be gone.

10. You love taking pictures, I can't wait to see all the cuteness on Facebook!

While babies and photography are two of my favorite things,and I probably will take tons of pictures, we will not be allowed to post even one picture of any foster child that we have until TPR were to happen. Pictures are not allowed to be posted on social networking sites or sent to anyone electronically (grandparents, etc) for the child's protection. It is possible that the child was taken out of an extremely dangerous situation prior to being placed with us and it could potentially put the child (and possibly Cody and I) at risk if their picture was floating around the internet and someone from that dangerous situation were to find it.

This also means that if you happen to take a picture of our child that you are not allowed to post that picture on any social networking sites, as well, even if the child is in the background.

I also will not be using their real name, and will probably have some cute thing made up, like an animal or something. :-)


These are the questions that I could think of to hopefully start educating everyone a little more on what exactly foster care is and the type of stuff that it includes.  I would love for you to post any other questions that you would like answered in the comments below, because I'm sure that there is plenty that I did not address above seeing that foster care is a very detailed process.

The Wait (oh, and my baby shower!)

It's been a little while since I have updated you, and the reason why is that there isn't much of an update right now. We completed our home study visits/interviews December 19th and since then we have basically been waiting. Part of the wait was because the state of Colorado was extremely backed up with their background checks because of all of the craziness with gun legislation that has been going on and so many people purchasing firearms, but Cody knows a guy and we finally got our background check pushed through.  Now that that is done, we have literally just... been....waiting.

I knew that this process could possibly include some "hurry up and wait" parts, but it feels like it's getting a bit frustrating to me.  I really didn't think that I would be getting this impatient so early in the game. I'm in communication with our agency, so I know that we haven't been forgotten, but still. I need someone to talk me down from the edge of crazy town, lol.

I guess there are a few tiny, unofficial updates. A few weeks ago some of my close friends threw me a foster care/baby shower. It was small and had an intimate feeling. They chose a theme that had to do with puzzles and how everyone in our lives our connected with our heart (or something, they explained it so much more eloquently that I know I am not doing any justice to it).  They made a huge puzzle in the shape of a heart and had everyone paint a piece of it however they chose. There were words of encouragement, images of family, and the "abstract art" pieces that the youngest members of the party painted!

The ladies painting their pieces.

Gabby and her "abstract" art

I co-hosted Ryanne's (one of my lovely hostesses) baby shower a few years ago, and she decided to include what I will now consider a tradition that I did at her shower. When we did her shower I had everyone provide a bead to make a necklace (or something) out of. There was a lovely reasoning behind the beads, and I would like to share that here:

The point of the beads is to remind the mother-to-be that she is not alone. 

That she is strong. That she is thought of and cared for. 

It's to inspire her to hang on, even if things get rough. 

To give it her all, even when she thinks she is at her breaking point. 

The beads remind her of all the support she has, even when others can't be there for her in person. They also remind her that she is not the only one on this journey to motherhood. 

That all around the world there are mothers taking that journey with her.

One of my favorite moments was when Ryanne and Steph had all of the women chose a bead, and then had everyone pray for Cody and I. They were instructed to hold the beads during prayer so that when I look at them I would associate them with the memory of that prayer time and be able to know that there are people praying for and supporting us. After prayer was done they collected the beads and made a very pretty bracelet out of them. 

The finished product!

Other than the shower, we have just been getting a few last minute things done for the arrival of our first tiny baby to enter our lives, like organizing clothing and purchasing a few more items. At least we have some fun stuff to distract us from the wait. (Well, at least I find it fun!)

I guess our prayer requests at this time would be for patience, peace and understanding hearts. And for the little ones out there that may not be in a great situation right now; that they would feel love and that God would have a protective bubble around them. Thanks everyone for your listening ears (or reading eyes) and for all of the support that you show Cody and I all the time.

Our Prayer Support Letter

I wanted to share with everyone the prayer letter that we sent out to very close friends and family. I hope you enjoy it and find it informative, as well.

Dear ,

We have some exciting news to share with you!  Many of you may or may not know that Cody and I have struggled with infertility for the last three years.  It has been a long and often times heart breaking journey, but through it all we have continued to look to God and what His plans might be for our lives.  That brings us to our news:  we have decided to begin the adoption process!  We did not come to this decision lightly but are excited for where this journey will take us. 

After interviewing with multiple agencies, Cody and I have chosen one that we feel very comfortable with.  We decided to go through an organization called MapleStar.  MapleStar is an organization within multiple states and is well known for their adoption efforts, and they have two offices in Colorado.

We ask that you keep us and the journey we are about to embark on in your prayers.  We have wanted a baby for some time now and know that God has the perfect child out there for us!  Along with that prayer we ask that you would pray for the family that our child is currently with. We are adopting out of foster care, so please keep our child/children in your prayers as well. They are out there somewhere and I’m sure they could use all the prayer they can get.  This journey, while looking different for everyone, can be very long and is always full of unknowns and heightened emotions. Once we complete our home study process (our final meeting is December 18^th!) we embark on the challenging journey of waiting. So, we would ask for prayers for God’s will, favor and grace, and for patience for us as we wait for the child that we know God has chosen for us.

With adopting out of foster care, there is always the possibility that the children that we care for will end up going back home to their birth parents, so I would also like to ask you to pray that Cody and I would have the strength and coping skills to handle that, as well as the wisdom and compassion to know how to support each other through it.

We appreciate you walking beside us and keeping us lifted up in your prayers as we walk this journey into the unknown more than words can say.  We love each and every one of you and are so very blessed to have you in our lives.  Please let us know if you would like to receive updates from us as we embark on this exciting adventure that we believe God began in our hearts and lives long ago.

With all our love and appreciation,

 

Cody and Bonnie